I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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