Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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