We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize