I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
