I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
