By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
