you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
