I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
