my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
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