Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
