Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
