The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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