Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
