chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
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