oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
