I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
