I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
