Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
