you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
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