I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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