I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
how does that bad decision feel?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
