Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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