My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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