i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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