I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
