youre lurking in front of me
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
