I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
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