You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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