So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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