My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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