I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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