ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
