no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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