she was so not down for the gang bang
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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