How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
