Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
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