Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
