i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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