he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
