wakey wakey hands off snakey
from now on my penis is your penis
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
