Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
