i wish there were pregnant emoticons
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
