Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
