So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
