for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Randomize
