THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
