my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
