mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
