So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
The air taste purple.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
