Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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