your thong is hanging out like whoa
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
