Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
