i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
