he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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