I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
