My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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