just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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