me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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